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Betcha Didn't Know
A ComPUNdium of Miss Inflammation
68 pages; ISBN 9780744315783
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The first man was Edam. Now he was a cheesy character. His wife’s name was Eve. Some people believe that Edam had an earlier wife, named Lilith, but she isn’t mentioned in the Bible. She was either the world’s first miss or its first myth.
Eve was so important that they named a time of day after her. Much later, they named a commercial douche preparation after her, too. Just as Edam had, in Lilith, another partner besides Eve, Eve had another partner too. You may have heard of the pair – Eve ‘n’ Steven?
Eve was the first woman to raise Cain, and I don’t mean sugar. Her two sons were famous. One must have been very skilled – he was even known as Abel. Her other son was often put down by his brother – you know how brothers tease each other. He would say, “You can’t do it – you’re not Abel.” And his brother would reply, “Yes, I Cain!”
Moses had a run-in with a bus driver. The bus driver kept challenging Moses, “Fare? Oh!” But Moses didn’t think he should have to pay to ride the bus. He thought it was very unfare! In fact, he thought that it was a lot of bul… rushes.
Supposedly Pharoah’s daughter fished Moses out of a stream. This was before the stork story was invented. The bit about the stream seemed highly improbable even then, but plenty of inopportune conceptions have been explained away by far more unlikely stories than that.
History’s consensus is that the Bible’s first shipbuilder was nothing but a Noah-count. God sent an ark-angel to watch over him, but he still looked around in despair and said, “Water we going to do?”
When the flood receded, Noah sent out a dove, who came back with an olive branch. Noah knew what this meant: that he’d be able to have his first martini in forty days and forty nights. Thrilled, he picked up the branch and crooned to it, “Olive you.”