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The Day I Woke Up as an Ostrich

An Odd Collection for Christians

The Day I Woke Up as an Ostrich by Kristi Sayles
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A wonderful collection of short stories, poems, songs; and a provocative look at how some quotes from the Bible have been misquoted.
SynergEbooks; May 2001
57 pages; ISBN 9780744303780
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Title: The Day I Woke Up as an Ostrich
Author: Kristi Sayles
One day I woke up, stretched as usual, and rubbed my eyes as I usually do. Something was not right. Something was very unusual. My arms felt funny. I opened my eyes to look at them. They were gone! In their place were big black-and-white feathers! I had sprouted feathers overnight! "Oh my goodness!" I squawked. I say squawked because that's what I did. My ability to speak English had left me. I shrieked in horror when I realized that my cute little mouth was now a large pointed beak! " This can't be happening!" I thought, shaking my head in disbelief. "Why me, Lord?" Then I saw them. I saw the two, biggest ugliest feet I've ever seen. They only had two toes! To make matters worse, they were attached to an enormous body - my enormous body! I stared at my body in disgust. Scrambling out of bed, I hopped in front of the full-length mirror. I looked like Big Bird - a big black-and-white Big Bird! What would my husband and son think? I decided to find out. I ambled to the kitchen, stooping slightly to avoid getting my head chopped off by the ceiling fan. Quite quickly, I calculated that I must be at least eight feet tall since I had to lower my head to get through the doorway. My husband, Terry, was at the kitchen table reading his morning paper as usual. "Good morning, dear," he said cheerfully when he heard me come in. I chose not to answer. He didn't seem to notice. There I was, eight feet tall, at least three hundred pounds, covered with black-and-white feathers, and my husband had not even noticed the new me. "Can you believe the forecast is for rain again?" he went on, never looking up from his paper. I waddled out of the kitchen and into the back yard. I wondered if there were any fat lizards around the deck because, suddenly, a lizard sandwich sounded mighty tasty. My search for breakfast was cut short when my dog, Midnight, bounded towards me. At first I thought it was to greet me. I soon found out that it was not to greet me but to eat me! He must have seen me as a jumbo chicken dinner, I suppose. I fought him off with one strong kick of my immense foot. He flew back against the deck and growled. I growled back. I scurried back into the kitchen only to find that my husband had left me a note. "Having breakfast with the boss. Gotta go. Hope you had a nice walk." I looked around helplessly. Now what was I supposed to do? My son's voice resounded from his bedroom. "Hey, Mom, have I got any clean socks? I can't find any!" "I believe there are some in the dryer," I screeched. Then I realized that he couldn't understand me, so I fell into Mom-mode again and headed for the laundry room. Just as I stuck my tiny head in the dryer, I heard Jason whizzing by behind me. "Never mind, Mom," he mumbled. "I found some under my bed." And then he was gone. He hadn't even seen me! Did I usually look like an ostrich from behind? Or was it just that I was invisible to my family? I began to feel quite sorry for myself. I smoothed my tail feathers, realizing how very taken for granted I was. Right then and there, I decided to leave home. I started to pack, but quickly figured out that I really didn't need any clothes. I opened the refrigerator to find food to take, but all I could find was revolting-looking luncheon meats and pickles. Not one single turtle or decent plant food in sight. I decided to find something on the road, so I left. I was determined never to be invisible again! It didn't take long for someone to notice me, all right. Not far from home, a police car started chasing me. I started to run. I had read somewhere that ostriches can run about 40 miles per hour, so I tested that theory. It was true! Once, I tried to take off, but no such luck. "What good are feathers if I can't even fly?" I thought in disgust. "God must have some sense of humor!" I was trucking so fast that I didn't see the open manhole. I fell feet first into that chasm. I don't really remember what happened after that. My next memory is of lovely scenery and several other exotic birds flocking around me. I've lived here for several months now. I'm happy. I have a nice, clean home and plenty of food and water daily. Best of all, I never get ignored. People just love looking at me. They come for miles around just to admire me and my new friends. Every now and then I wonder if my husband and my son have missed me yet. Probably not... Author's note: This story evolved from my demonstration entitled "Sound It Out Spelling: Writing in Science." The idea was to write a humorous story using as many facts as possible. This particular lesson concerned the African Ostrich, the largest bird in the world.