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The Perfect Baby Handbook

A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents

The Perfect Baby Handbook by Dale Hrabi
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New parents are hipper, more educated, and more sophisticated than ever, but they're also highly competitive--a lethal combination when turbocharged by the anxieties of raising a baby. And for many couples, it's not just any baby, but the perfect baby. These “excessively motivated” parents will not sabotage Junior's future by denying him Mandarin lessons, a nursery chandelier (just like the one Gwyneth's kids enjoy), or advanced infant yoga. A hilarious, highly visual satire of childrearing manuals, The Perfect Baby Handbook provides much-needed comic relief from the pressures of modern parenting, and gives comfort to moms and dads who can say with a sigh of relief, “At least, we're not this bad.”

HarperCollins; April 2009
160 pages; ISBN 9780061924750
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Title: The Perfect Baby Handbook
Author: Dale Hrabi

Chapter One

Preparing for Perfection

Although there's no guarantee that you and your partner will get the chance to raise a perfect baby, considering your level of commitment (and the indisputable fact that one of you once shone at competitive Wiffle ball), the chances are certainly high.

As expectant parents, your first job is to establish that your fetus is, indeed, a potential "miracle" (a common synonym for "perfect baby"). There are a few telltale signs. Most likely, the baby will kick in what could easily be Morse code. Dads-to-be may find that their wives' "pregnancy glow" is so blindingly pronounced it disturbs their sleep. In certain cases, a fanfare of trumpets bursts forth from the womb sometime around the seventeenth week. But this is rare.

Once you're reasonably sure you've conceived a miracle, you'll need to make a few sacrifices to maintain your focus. Moms-to-be should give up housework so they have ample time to ponder unpronounceable Welsh middle names. Future fathers are strongly advised to resist the distractions of sports and irony.None of this is easy. Luckily, the process of preparing for a perfect baby also involves a tremendous amount of joy. For other specific ways to groom yourselves for your miracle's imminent arrival, turn the page.

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